I fucking love the drama

I love Stories. And I somehow feel that I have to justify my luck. Like in a good story, good fortune is either well deserved or taken away. So I make sure, mine is well deserved. By either working so hard or having hard circumstances so that everyone can agree: she really deserved the good bits and that happy ending.

And boy I am not allowed to have it easy. I remember when I had a relationship that was so blissful in a world where everyone complained about their partners and I was loved up for years living in peace and harmony. I didn’t want to tell anyone in case that made it go away. I didn’t want to stand out and be counted. I didn’t want to tempt fate. If it ever was to change, people would say- “really? But I thought it was going so well!” The fall from grace. Oh the shame. I cringe.

Now when good things happen to me I like to justify them with the context of my hardship.

I really wouldn’t want you to know how good I got it. Unless we are in a safe community, then yes. For a bit. Though I will prefer you see how much I deserve it. I’d hate you to be jealous of me. Please don’t hate me. Love me. You must love me. Please don’t dislike me. I don’t know what to do with that. I cringe.

Damsel in distress comes out trumps in my calculation.

And superhero is what I love because she’s more powerful and so deserving and worthy so those two archetypes hold hands in my plays.

And I suffer from that. Because the Damsel has me feel and be small, deny my power and accept help I didn’t want or need.

You know when your aunt gave you that scratchy jumper for Christmas and you had to say thank you because she made the effort and you shouldn’t be rude. I have to be grateful for a lot of scratchy jumpers. A lot of help I didn’t ask for. But If I said “not” it would be so weird because excuse me beggars can’t be choosers and didn’t you say you needed help??

As a damsel I have to hide my power as to not create a contrast outing me as a complete fraud. How out of integrity! Oh the shame.

Superhero has the opposite challenge: she’s so strong, people think : You got this! and assume you will be ok.

When you’re drowing in your shit. Now from superhero mode it’s hard to shout help, because it sounds like it’s part of the show and everyone is standing by watching.

Superhero finds it hard to show up as vulnerable because she will not want to be seen as needy and weak.  Oh the shame!

She’d rather crumble.

And crumble she does.

From the perspective of the powerful MF witch that I am, this is all a play performed by the human ego in order to keep itself validated.

“I” need to feel important, justified, deserving and worthy and safe Because “I” is vulnerable. “I” is rather alone.

In humanoid distress I do not know how to provide for myself and my family (that’s the story in my head) and I can clearly see how I’m failing, hoping, trying and running out of steam on a daily basis.

The witch is not falling for this. She refuses to play the puppet show. She will not give in to to the system and “make it happen” with those tactics and business mindset agreeing to desperate deals. She will boycott them.

She couldn’t care less.

All she wants is to be. She wants to transform. Live. And give.

With great power comes great responsibility and that’s where the human level and its fear based worries kicks up a fuss. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I do this powerful thing and then fall even lower? How embarrassing, oh the shame.

Better to rise through the ranks. Have a foundation.

I don’t know about you  but I am over 40 and I still feel like I am staring out.

Hoping someone will give me the power, hand me the sceptre.

When will you take the fucking reigns?

But that means taking full charge. And that eliminates the story. The story of “how I got there”

The success story that justifies the success..The one that needs to go on the lead page-

I was down and I tried everything, nothing was working. But then I found …. And since then xyz has been transformed to abc and it’s amazing.

The happy ever after.

I fall for it still.

To be lifted, raised, gracefully rescued- that feels right and a valid way to go far and high.

To do it myself- forceful, dangerous, risky.

There are the demons of pride and the punishing Gods of disease lurking to those who tried to do this.

You can get ill if you work too hard. You can get big diseases if you think you’re more than you can actually take. Your pride keeps out relationships and real humility. The core qualities you were looking for will stay away from you if you go it YOUR way= let the ego reign and not listen to those WISE people advising you from all sides.

You must orient yourself at those who’ve made it.

You must believe what you see

You must do what makes sense

You must know what you’re doing and what you want.

You must.

Not take a bath and go to bed when you have the opportunity for work and so much should and could get done.

You must stick to agreements even if you don’t agree to them, have questioned them and cannot actually fulfil them. Doing them means you’ll be down, exhausted, ill, incapable of doing what you really need to do, going against your strong senses.

Not doing so carries the threat of acrimonious fighting. Long battle.

You must not listen to yourself and your inner peace.

Thing is, I can’t. I know what I must. And I follow the peace and guidance.

What about you?

I will sleep. I will bathe. I will not work hard even though I should.

And that feels bad. I’m a bad bad girl.

And I am a motherfucking powerhouse who chooses TRUST. I choose to trust myself. Trust life. Trust what’s peaceful and energising for my family.

I feel guilty even saying that because I don’t’ always know what that is and it can easily be misinterpreted.

I choose my wellbeing over doing the business thing right. In fact I make it a condition for anything I do.

Guilt gets me.

Guilt will get you the closer you come to YOUR truth especially as that truth rubs against the rules you grew up with. Which it often will.

Choose GUILT. It sits so much closer to your truth than the comfort and conformity (see how close those words are to each other?) ever will.

And love the drama. Love it so hard that you are PLAYING in it. Get involved, not torn up.

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