I am known as a highly productive super organised professional. To some. I am German- so that kind of goes with the territory. And I’ve been running my own business since I was 18. I now run a mini hospital (for my son) on top of being a parent, business owner and human being. If you want to get a lot done, you better be organised or you spend most of your time looking for the things you need. I don’t have that sort of time to waste.
And yet with my very diverse thinking brain, keeping things consistently organised has always been a challenge! Systems can fall apart quickly when you don’t stick to them.
I love it clean. I love the spacious feeling of a clear space.
It’s stylish. It feels right.
Messy and chaos is to be avoided, cleared up, cleared out. It’s wrong.
I don’t just mean leaving worn clothes on the floor type messy. I mean inside, too.
I can really fall apart. Become a crying heap within minutes, laugh hysterically, be still, rinse and repeat. I’ve been witnessed this way too- doing this in front of other people is an accomplishment in my mind- to allow yourself to be seen like “that”. Actually that part feels like daring to be authentic to me- but I am aware it also feels messy- because it’s certainly not composed.
I do messy in my mind. So many thoughts and ideas rummaging at once. I don’t know which is which and there is a part of me that enjoys the dizziness of the experience.
Remember spinning around and around and loving it when you got so dizzy you couldn’t walk and fell? We LIKED IT.
As an adult there is nothing to like about not being able to walk straight. You’re dizzy. No good. Unless you’re drunk. With your friends on a Saturday evening (accepted container for such experiences).
In the week, in your day time consciousness, you’re not supposed to be messy.
Do you remember when you’d pull out all your toys and throw them on the floor to make a big pile of mess. Didn’t it feel good? To destroy the order? To let the storm hit? To be that storm?
Throw all the pillows on the floor and jump on them? Who needs a stylish looking couch when you can have a pillow haven pillow fight castle!
I see this in my kids now.
And the panic that sets in me. Nooo I will have to clean all this!!! And I hate cleaning. You mustn’t’ make a mess. Don’t do it. I’m telling them, I am ordering them. I am guiding them by my upset. Mess is so wrong. I hate when it’s messy. It’s so out of control. I cannot stand it. I need order!
What about those passionate love making scenes where he clears the desk and has her on it. In the heat of the moment, forgetting about our uptight orderly ways and just recklessly passionately throw over the old world order…HOT.
Fuck who wouldn’t want that?
The PA who has to clean it- that’s right.
Don’t you remember how good it feels to be reckless. Careless and just unapologetically messy.
My life is falling apart. Well it has already. My marriage has ended, I’ve gone through emotional abuse, moving out and starting my life and business from scratch whilst looking after 2 small children and dealing with all the “mess”.
So I am sorting all the time. And inside I can feel the desire, the urge, the relief of things falling apart. I know I shouldn’t say this. This is not what’ s supposed to be said.
You want to hear how well I am coping and getting on with things…Surely… How I am acknowledging it and moving through becoming stronger and more enlightened on the way so we can all say: of course she thrived through this, look how amazingly she handles any adversity!
But actually I am enjoying some of the destruction.
I want things to be broken properly. Clear the deck. There is never time or space for destruction anymore.
In Greek tradition they break plates on a Friday night. Shattering porcelain everywhere. Oh that feels good to break things that really shouldn’t be broken.
Destruction is part of creation yet we have shunned it like the evil stepsister (who shuns evil stepsisters actually? never mind)
What if it was part of our process and allowed? Or what if the forbidden was enjoyed more freely…
Because we’re not used to allow our mess, we might be secretly creating more- have you noticed it? The mess just never ends ,the next thing keeps on coming…
I call it a passive aggressive mess.
Let’s get it out in the open people.
Secretly. I have a love affair with mess. She might not be accepted by society but she’s damn good at getting me passionate.
I ‘m not saying this isn’t painful or that its easy. No affair is. I’m married to the idea that being productive, organised and mature are the right thing to do…I’m breaking my vows of traditional serenity concepts.
This is not green tea and Yoga.
Mess and destruction 2.0 is not totally unconscious anymore either. I can see what I am doing and I ease up on the resistance. How willing are you to feel into that side?
Out of that mess emerges a truth of who I am, what this is about here and what I really stand for, want and ultimately can serve you with.
This is deep stuff. The territory most don’t dare to go into for fear of getting lost forever. And yet those of us who dare to be fully…are the adventurers that come home with the new maps of the territory.
Where are you in your relation to messy?