Motherhood is not always easy. I’m really good at getting frustrated with life, myself and the world. Something ticks me off on Facebook. I can tell you what it is. A colleague doing something really cool. Closing an impactful deal, having someone rave about him/her, doing a workshop just after Byron Katie. Holding the workshop, not just attending. I get jealous. I’d like to do that! Someone is recording at Abbey Road studios. I want that!
And what am I doing? The washing, that’s right! Hanging out with my child. Good stuff. I’m proud I got some gardening done today. Me. I’ve never done gardening and now that I have a nice big garden it’s time to do it or it will not be a nice big garden for long. I liked pulling weeds and pointing out the ants underneath acting fascinated. In the sun. I even got the washing hung up on the stand today. That’s an achievement. Is it not? I often forget it in the machine till it smells worse than it went in smelling.
But an outer world “real” success hits me right between the eyes. What happened to my career? I’m a published author but my book is still in no-mans-land between finished and not yet sent to publisher. All these little annoying things missing that I’m waiting for other people for.
What’s going on?
I’ve got some great work lined up. A speech, A VIP day in the Spa, a workshop at Channel 4. When I’m frustrated I forget about that. Because I spend most of my time in “mummy land” which is somewhere between “cloud cookoo” and “Peppa Pig World”. I believe that in order to achieve, you must work a lot and consistently, too. And I don’t do either. My thinink is small, not big like they taught us. I don’t have big visions, I deal with poo stains, thank you very much.
Therefore, I am not successful and the disappointed thoughts about how this is not how I imagined life to be roll around making themselves at home at the forefront of my mind.
Interestingly enough, when we take small but powerful simple steps towards what we really want (knowing what that is!), great things can happen. Even the most beautiful flower grows out of a little seed and without too much of our doing needed. Which is why I have all this great work lined up that I forgot about until it actually happened.
I’m too good at getting upset and confused inside as to whether I am doing the right and best thing and whether it actually is good enough to be “just” a mum. How to be a better mum and should I have another child or isn’t this boring enough already given that I was going to inspire the world, let alone myself. Tea and biscuit? I need cake!
What’s underneath all this is that not only do I want it all, I don’t want it all at all.
In other words, I claim that I want to live big and be oh so powerful but I feel much more peaceful and happy in a small world. Eve’s little world of simple happiness. When I have time to cuddle my boy for hours and meet people on the street. I like being the person who has time for the old lady in the supermarket and who finds out that the neighbours don’t only love gardening, they are people who lost a child to Leukemia when he was 14. I also like being excited and doing cool things but never to the detriment of my little world. I actually quite miss my little world when it’s blown out too much. So it’s all about balance, right?
A state of equilibrium doesn’t last long. Most of the time we’re in the pendelling journey. So surely that’s where the fun needs to be.
And I suddenly realize. Part of my shame lies in the fact that I do want to do my house duties well. That I don’t want to get rid of all the chores but learn to enjoy and master them. And yet saying that pains me because that’s really not me at all. Big stage and big message. That’s me!
And “me” is not me. It doesn’t serve me that much. I can fight to keep this sense of “I” or I can melt into the sense of “we” and “life” and “whatever is”. This is no about settling for the compromise and falling asleep to our dreams.
I’m awakening to my life. Whilst hanging up that washing. Underwear, sock, vest. I breathe and bend. It smells good.